Valentine's Day
Two years ago, I apparently was feeling a little conflicted about Valentine's Day and decided to write a column about it for my university newspaper - and packed with as many war/combat/battle cliches and metaphors as I could conjure up.
It's arrogant of me to search the online archives and bring out stuff like this, but what the heck:
###
Valentine's Day: all-out combat
Brian Phillips
Issue date: 2/9/04
Love is a battlefield.
And there's no sniper nest more well-placed, no patrol route more landmine-laden than Valentine's Day.
War is hell, gents.
In case you don't watch TV, listen to the radio, surf the Internet or shop in public, the "holiday" occurs Saturday.
It is George Washington's Valley Forge. It is Hannibal's Alps crossing.
If you don't survive the harsh winter of picking the right gift, if you don't have the elephants to carry you through, watch out.
Ka-bloom.
This could be painful.
A simple stroll through your neighborhood Kroger indicates the gravity of the situation.
If the Viet Cong had lined their tunnels with heart-shaped balloons and boxes of chocolates, they would look like the entrance of Kroger stores this week.
Tunnel rats had Colt .45s and L-shaped flashlights, and all I've got is a headache and a Kroger Plus Card.
I'm just trying to buy some groceries, man.
But Kroger, like every diamond dealer, is just trying to remind men that Valentine's Day has a D-Day significance.
Louse it up, and all you have is a mouthful of Normandy sand.
You don't want to overdo it and freak the girl out.
But you definitely don't want to go too light, like bringing a knife to a gunfight.
Buying too small of a gift for a girl on Valentine's day is fairly similar to only wearing a windbreaker during a land invasion of Russia in October.
If you must err, err on the side of buying too much.
One time I believed a girl when she only wanted a quiet dinner at home with a rented movie.
"No gifts," she said.
I accepted her request like the residents of Troy accepted a horse full of Greeks.
While I didn't end up dead or in bondage like the Trojans, it wasn't exactly a Hallmark evening.
If you're not sure of the "status" of your relationship when V-Day roles around, you'll surely find out.
Amor vincit omnia?
Negative.
Sic transit gloria.
And while I'm at it: In vino veritas.
And don't go thinking that this year will go well because of your past successes.
What you hope will be Desert Storm II might quickly turn into a long, hard slog.
It could cost you the re-election.
While some might dismiss this column as cynicism, it's not all bad news.
A well-prepared Valentine's Day could be as effective as the 1983 U.S. landing at Grenada.
Or, if you're hoping for a majestic, heart-pounding crescendo of passion, model your plans on those of the American forces at the Battle of Chapultepec during the Mexican War in 1847.
U.S. Marines charged up cliffs, suffering 90 percent casualties in some units, but were eventually victorious in the "Halls of Montezuma."
People write songs about stuff like that.
For a less dramatic approach, think about Patton's stroll into 1945 Berlin.
The city was already secured for him by the Soviets, he just had to roll the tanks in and hang out.
The bottom line here is to make sure you know your valentine, and know what they'd want.
Gather intelligence.
Ask her mother, ask a friend or subpoena U.N. weapons inspector Scott Ritter to give you a briefing on the situation.
That way, you're less likely to overdo it.
But while Sun Tzu was probably the first to write it, GI Joe summed it up best: "Knowing is half the battle."
The key is knowing your enemy.
I mean, girlfriend.
###
I really wasn't bitter, I swear! I was exaggerating emotions as a literary device.
Anyway, happy Valentine's Day!
It's arrogant of me to search the online archives and bring out stuff like this, but what the heck:
###
Valentine's Day: all-out combat
Brian Phillips
Issue date: 2/9/04
Love is a battlefield.
And there's no sniper nest more well-placed, no patrol route more landmine-laden than Valentine's Day.
War is hell, gents.
In case you don't watch TV, listen to the radio, surf the Internet or shop in public, the "holiday" occurs Saturday.
It is George Washington's Valley Forge. It is Hannibal's Alps crossing.
If you don't survive the harsh winter of picking the right gift, if you don't have the elephants to carry you through, watch out.
Ka-bloom.
This could be painful.
A simple stroll through your neighborhood Kroger indicates the gravity of the situation.
If the Viet Cong had lined their tunnels with heart-shaped balloons and boxes of chocolates, they would look like the entrance of Kroger stores this week.
Tunnel rats had Colt .45s and L-shaped flashlights, and all I've got is a headache and a Kroger Plus Card.
I'm just trying to buy some groceries, man.
But Kroger, like every diamond dealer, is just trying to remind men that Valentine's Day has a D-Day significance.
Louse it up, and all you have is a mouthful of Normandy sand.
You don't want to overdo it and freak the girl out.
But you definitely don't want to go too light, like bringing a knife to a gunfight.
Buying too small of a gift for a girl on Valentine's day is fairly similar to only wearing a windbreaker during a land invasion of Russia in October.
If you must err, err on the side of buying too much.
One time I believed a girl when she only wanted a quiet dinner at home with a rented movie.
"No gifts," she said.
I accepted her request like the residents of Troy accepted a horse full of Greeks.
While I didn't end up dead or in bondage like the Trojans, it wasn't exactly a Hallmark evening.
If you're not sure of the "status" of your relationship when V-Day roles around, you'll surely find out.
Amor vincit omnia?
Negative.
Sic transit gloria.
And while I'm at it: In vino veritas.
And don't go thinking that this year will go well because of your past successes.
What you hope will be Desert Storm II might quickly turn into a long, hard slog.
It could cost you the re-election.
While some might dismiss this column as cynicism, it's not all bad news.
A well-prepared Valentine's Day could be as effective as the 1983 U.S. landing at Grenada.
Or, if you're hoping for a majestic, heart-pounding crescendo of passion, model your plans on those of the American forces at the Battle of Chapultepec during the Mexican War in 1847.
U.S. Marines charged up cliffs, suffering 90 percent casualties in some units, but were eventually victorious in the "Halls of Montezuma."
People write songs about stuff like that.
For a less dramatic approach, think about Patton's stroll into 1945 Berlin.
The city was already secured for him by the Soviets, he just had to roll the tanks in and hang out.
The bottom line here is to make sure you know your valentine, and know what they'd want.
Gather intelligence.
Ask her mother, ask a friend or subpoena U.N. weapons inspector Scott Ritter to give you a briefing on the situation.
That way, you're less likely to overdo it.
But while Sun Tzu was probably the first to write it, GI Joe summed it up best: "Knowing is half the battle."
The key is knowing your enemy.
I mean, girlfriend.
###
I really wasn't bitter, I swear! I was exaggerating emotions as a literary device.
Anyway, happy Valentine's Day!
posted by bp at
9:50 PM
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